So really; who am I?

Today is one of the worst days I’ll have to get by. You’d probably think I’m overreacting and it’s understandable and expected from someone who isn’t me.

Here I am on my lunch break blogging my heart out, when I should be thinking about an appropriate and honest description of myself, because for some reason people decided to embarrass each other by coming up with a plan to hang our mug shots on the office wall labeled by one-word description of ourselves. Earlier today I was so entertained by what I saw. Someone likes to call herself “the heartbreaker?” and another one writes “hopeless romantic?” I’d say who cares??

Anyway, here comes the tough part. Self - gratification. The part where you have to play along with a horde who like to put up agendas so they can glorify their selves. In the corporate world they call it cooperation, teamwork and if I may point out how it could get worse, they even tend to measure your competence by how well you dignify yourself in front of your peers.

Truth is I feel completely violated. I wouldn’t mind having my picture hung on a wall if it’s for recognition given by people other than MYSELF! How can I even take the pleasure of describing myself while having to abide by the rules that they like to call “ethics” or “code of conduct” (which you never want to mess with considering it’s the culprit for most of the misfortunes of the jobless).

I don’t take myself too seriously so If I were to have the liberty to describe myself I’d say HERMIT or NEUROTIC like my friends would joke about, but these are not really the kind of words one would post on a wall where they work. I’m not the type who pays too much attention to what people say about me, but I do want to maintain peace of mind by not attracting instinctive responses to anything unusual. And with that I mean people may come up with a long list of questions about me and how I ended up describing myself as such, then they like to play God by interpreting the kind of person I am based on my reactions.

Finally someone decided to spare me the torture by volunteering to describe me. Sounded reasonable so I gave it a shot. So she said I’m the “rocker chic”. NOT! I like music that convey message which I don’t already know. I mostly find them in punk and alternative music. And it’s funny coz they actually think it’s all just ROCK. Who cares about genre?

I don’t want to misrepresent myself, if you know what I’m saying, and I’m not even a full-fledged punk so that’s not an option. Might as well be labeled “POSER”. I certainly don’t want to be called “alternative chick” either. Doesn’t sound good to me.

I don’t know how this day will end. I can think of too many scenarios, all of them end up in embarrassment. This happens from time to time. At times, I’m at it before I know it. Showing off, I mean. Self-indulgent bastards could get you into it, hardly noticing, at times you’re stuck in it without a choice coz they coincidentally come out in places where you’re being paid for every minute of your agony.

Sleepless Mind Speaks

Recently I watched Homeless to Harvard, A true story of Liz Murray, who managed to get out of poverty on her own. When asked if she ever felt sorry for herself when she was homeless, she said “that has always been my life”.
I was amazed at how she didn’t feel at all like she was stuck in a situation she can’t get out of. Like the way I feel sometimes. I remember one good friend telling me it’s our choices along the way that lead us to where we are at this moment. But what about those instances when I didn’t feel like I had choices?

I kind of thought life was just a pattern. You grow up and quit playing with dolls, finish school, have your first boyfriend and first kiss, write diaries, get your diploma, get a job, get married and have children, and so on. I used to think when I’m grown up I can take care of myself and take control then I can live life as planned. Maybe this is the reason why I go about whining at almost everything going on.

I’m still struggling to understand things that just seem to be so out of hand. At times, I just get tired of consoling myself with the thought that things happen for a reason. I would really feel better if I could go beyond; maybe know the reasons why things happen when they do.

Let me share with you what I learned my favourite speaker. That life is more than just a walk in the park. And we sometimes console ourselves by “If only”. In my case, it’s true. When faced with a difficult situation, I end up backtracking what I have done that lead to such malady. Then I start pondering what I could’ve done. Then it wouldn’t have happened.
But then again I know that there is power greater than our “If only”.

I better hold on to this before I go crazy. I’ll just cheer myself up with the idea that my mistakes are not entirely my fault. I was meant to make mistakes for the wisdom that I’d learn out of those will prepare me for whatever I’m tasked to do.

I can only guess then that life is about constantly looking for opportunity to learn in every situation, so we can take the next step up. And our ability to reach the top depends on how much we procrastinate along the way. Maybe those who suffer more than others are just offshoots of intertwined consequences of too much procrastination. Like they say life is a constant fight for change. Its challenge is finding out every bit of opportunity in every difficult situation.

Of course this idea is not entirely true. The truth is I just made it up. So I can stop whining.

Truth is, my life is not a walk in the park. It's a seemingly endless battle against consequences,of my own actions. Consequences which, mostly I had to face on my own. If I could ask for some consolation, It'd be that, through all I've been through, I hope I didn't miss the lessons I was supposed to learn.

Special thanks to Matet and Joe:)

Shaken

Like everyone else, I dream to be at the top. Be the best at what I do, earn much and get a chance to boss around, but every time I imagine it happen, I start to hesitate. They say it’s a dog eat dog world up there. You’d have to do what you got to do to survive. And for what’s it’s worth, you’ll have to be less emotional.

I’d love all the glam that money can buy, but I wouldn’t want to attain anything with such a self defeating idea. And every time I try to get my caffeine fix to recharge my system and get going, (because for some reason this job offers such limited time to rest), I start pondering about possibilities of just getting out of here and not having to watch all these happen again.

Could Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird be for real? Is it even possible to lock yourself up in the house, not be seen or be involved in things you abhor the most, but cannot avoid because “you have to survive”? It amuses me when I think about how people cannot just keep off each other’s business. Even Boo, who was never seen, was a victim of a lot of presumptions. A psycho, retard, or a monster hiding in the dark is what people say about him. This doesn’t change my mind about wanting to be like him though. I have this wicked idea of hiding in a safe place, watch and listen to people make assumptions and laugh at it to the top of my lungs.

Of course I’m just trying to console myself. Because in real life, I am obliged to coexist, even if I’m just a speck in this vast space and everything can happen without me. If I could have one wish, I’d ask to be just a spectator and just watch people do what they do, even just for a day. Not trying to be nosy on their lives, but I’d like to know if Mitch Albom was right in “Five People You’ll Meet in Heaven”, that even the most insignificant and unknown person has an impact in your life. Am I supposed to believe everything I read? If it’s not too much to say, I have a long list of names that will make earth a better place to stay if they don’t exist. And if my wish will be granted, I wonder if I could still laugh about it or will it break my heart to watch people step on each other just to get to the top.

Maybe I am “what’s wrong” then. Reading back what I have written above, I am too pessimistic and negative. I should be looking at the positive side of things and admit the fact that people are not here to meet my expectations. Don’t think I’m a hater. I do wish things are not what they seem to be sometimes, and I do despise myself for being too selfish, shunning away from almost everything about life that I don’t agree with. Mine is not an expression of angst. Just striving to deviate from what they think is necessary but totally useless for me. Too bad life is not about me.

So maybe I’ll continue working in silence, in my own cocoon, where I don’t see them badly need each other but go out of their way to bring each other down. Where “It’s not a dog eat dog world” after all.