Like everyone else, I dream to be at the top. Be the best at what I do, earn much and get a chance to boss around, but every time I imagine it happen, I start to hesitate. They say it’s a dog eat dog world up there. You’d have to do what you got to do to survive. And for what’s it’s worth, you’ll have to be less emotional.
I’d love all the glam that money can buy, but I wouldn’t want to attain anything with such a self defeating idea. And every time I try to get my caffeine fix to recharge my system and get going, (because for some reason this job offers such limited time to rest), I start pondering about possibilities of just getting out of here and not having to watch all these happen again.
Could Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird be for real? Is it even possible to lock yourself up in the house, not be seen or be involved in things you abhor the most, but cannot avoid because “you have to survive”? It amuses me when I think about how people cannot just keep off each other’s business. Even Boo, who was never seen, was a victim of a lot of presumptions. A psycho, retard, or a monster hiding in the dark is what people say about him. This doesn’t change my mind about wanting to be like him though. I have this wicked idea of hiding in a safe place, watch and listen to people make assumptions and laugh at it to the top of my lungs.
Of course I’m just trying to console myself. Because in real life, I am obliged to coexist, even if I’m just a speck in this vast space and everything can happen without me. If I could have one wish, I’d ask to be just a spectator and just watch people do what they do, even just for a day. Not trying to be nosy on their lives, but I’d like to know if Mitch Albom was right in “Five People You’ll Meet in Heaven”, that even the most insignificant and unknown person has an impact in your life. Am I supposed to believe everything I read? If it’s not too much to say, I have a long list of names that will make earth a better place to stay if they don’t exist. And if my wish will be granted, I wonder if I could still laugh about it or will it break my heart to watch people step on each other just to get to the top.
Maybe I am “what’s wrong” then. Reading back what I have written above, I am too pessimistic and negative. I should be looking at the positive side of things and admit the fact that people are not here to meet my expectations. Don’t think I’m a hater. I do wish things are not what they seem to be sometimes, and I do despise myself for being too selfish, shunning away from almost everything about life that I don’t agree with. Mine is not an expression of angst. Just striving to deviate from what they think is necessary but totally useless for me. Too bad life is not about me.
So maybe I’ll continue working in silence, in my own cocoon, where I don’t see them badly need each other but go out of their way to bring each other down. Where “It’s not a dog eat dog world” after all.
Excellent post. To observe invisibly, quite a dream. I wish I could do it myself.. and like you, I also wonder how painful it might turn out to be to see things that I normally don't.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to add that the only part of this I found too pessimistic was the idea that the first half was too pessimistic and that you're part of the problem. Seeing the bad parts of the world for what they are and being bothered by them is, in my opinion, a mark of insight and compassion rather than sickness.
I always knew you enjoy being alone, but after reading this post I understand why.
ReplyDeleteHope you can still find your way into this world without retreating into your own shell, for even in this "dog eat dog" universe that you have perceived, there are real people who care about you.